Recording for April 16, 2015

(week 172) 16 April 2015 12 Step Study Big Book All Addictions workshop

Note: There is a new phone bridge number for the Thursday 8am EST workshop:

567 704 7161 pin no. 32450#

(If you have difficulty getting through keep trying).

AA Big Book page 67 last para:

Notice that the word “fear” is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr Brown, Mrs Jones, the employer, and the wife. This short word somehow touched about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding threat; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn’t deserve. But did not, ourselves, set the balling rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble.

Line 2: Write ‘fear’ above ‘This short word’

Line 3: Write ‘fear’ above the word ‘it’ It was an evil…

Line 4 Write ‘fear’ above the word ‘it’ It set in motion…

Soul work

FEAR

Write this down:

Face Everything And Recover (FEAR)

Question: Face Everything And Recover. How?

Answer: Very simple: with God and and an action plan.

Part of your soul work is to read page 67 every day so you own this like you have never owned anything before.

If somebody tells you they have no fear they are in denial. We all have fear. Being in denial about fear is the disease which says: “I can handle it.”

Recovery says: “I have fear and with God and with my community I am overcoming it.” Recovery is not freedom from fear. Recovery is being conscious of our fears. It is freedom from being ruled by the fear. We go to our addictions because fear rules us and we cannot handle it so we numb out on alcohol, food drugs, people, etc.

Not knowing you are afraid of something is worse than knowing you are afraid. If you don’t know you have something you cannot face it and recover. Recovery is facing reality.

Go back to page 65. Look at Mr Brown sex relations (fear)

Every resentment is because of fear of losing what you have or fear of not getting what you want. We did resentments first because they are more easily identified than fear. There is less denial. You have to keep in mind that fear likes to stay hidden. Our pride does not want us to think we are fearful people so it is much easier to be angry and resentful. Believe it or not it is more comfortable to be resentful and angry than fearful. It was perfect that in the Big Book they did resentments first and then fear.

Just writing down those fears is going to be very fearful. And it will be very empowering.

look up misfortune:

Above misfortune could write: crisis, trauma, rejection, misunderstandings.

Fear Inventory

Sue will send out a template.

On a sheet of paper write: Fear Inventory

Turn it over and write: ‘Fears’ then list and number them.

e.g. 1. Fear of losing my job. 2. Fear of my husband leaving me.

3. Fear of dogs 4.fear of spiders 5. fear of people. Write them all down.

Then on new sheet of paper take one fear and write Fear No. 1 on the top left-hand corner.

1. I am afraid of: My husband leaving me.

2. Why do I have this fear?

Write out your history: e.g. I don’t treat my husband in a loving way. I am afraid because I have had many men I loved deeply who left me.

3. How did self-reliance fail me?

Go back and look at how self-reliance failed you. Self-centred behaviour is another word for selfish.

e.g. I always tried to use sex to keep a man interested. I used sex. I used to try to buy the men to stay with me.

4. What should I have done instead?

I needed to trust and rely on God and have an action plan.

Do an action plan straight away. That will give you some relief. Go to God and ask: What do I do for an action plan so I can live in this moment without having to live in this fear? What should I have done instead?

5. Accountability. Have an accountability buddy for your Action Plan.

Remember you go to Quiet Time.

Half-measures availed us nothing. If you are not doing a Quiet Time and getting closer and closer to your Higher Power you are doing a half measure; because without your Higher Power you are not going to get an action plan that is going to work. The hopeless state of your mind is living in fear: I am afraid I don’t measure up. They are not going to like me. When you have a relationship with God you know you measure up. Going to Good Orderly Direction works. And listening and making an inch by inch action plan works.

God what do you want me to be? Not what do you want me to do. I am a human being not a human doing What type of person do you want me to be? And God will answer and then you do an action plan.You need to learn to be quiet. That is why it says in the Big Book:

We pause when agitated and we ask God: how should I be in this situation?

ends

Notes for April 9, 2015

Week 171

(There is no recording for this meeting.)

AA 12 & 12 – p. 43 – para 1, sent. 1, 2, and 3:
“We want to find exactly how, when, and where our natural desires have warped us. We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves. By discovering what our emotional deformities are, we can move toward their correction”
(that’s a promise!).

1) “We want to find exactly how, when, and where our natural desires have warped us. We wish to look squarely at the unhappiness this has caused others and ourselves.”
Look up: warped, squarely

2) Go to the Website and print out the worksheet for Fear but for the first five fears, do not use the template. Write out the outline longhand in order to make it part of you.

3)Finish up resentments on people/institutions/ principles. Make a list of all resentments you still have left to do beyond five of each for Steps Four and Five.

4) Go to the Big Book and read the portion about Fear: p. 67 last paragraph-p. 68 third paragraph, inclusive.

5) Write out The Fear Prayer.

6) Write out a list of ‘All the fears that I know I have’.
Then, next week, Stephanie will teach us how to break them down into categories.
The BB says ‘you have one hundred fears’ but they can be broken down into main elements and then each fear categorized under its main element.

Recording for March 12, 2015

Week 167 – March 12, 2015 Big Book Step Study
Today’s reading from AA 12&12:

Step Four – “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
p. 42

(week 167) 12 March 2015 12 Step Study Big Book workshop

Stephanie has two groups both on the same number: 712 432 8816 pin no. 32450#
They also have the same callback number 641 715-3900 – but different pin numbers:
(1) Tuesday 8am EST Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers pin no. 298913#
(2) Thursday 8am EST 12 Step Study (All Addictions) Big Book Workshop pin no. 95666#
The recording is available for seven days following the workshop..
On the website it is always available.

Open Study Buddy Group: Sundays EST 11-12am 712 432 0800 pin no. 587213#

There are website expenses including that of a webmaster. If you feel led to, please send donations to:
www.12stepstudyworkshop.com or alternatively to:

Stephanie Whiting
P O Box 531
North Pembroke MA 02358

Step Four

The dictionary definition of ‘moral’ is ‘truthful’.
Step four is a truthful inventory of ourselves.

Proposed schedule:
This is the last week on Institutions and so enough time for us to finish or at least know what institutions we want to write about.
Next week we are moving onto Principles.
Then there will be four weeks for reading at the workshop anything you want: people, institutions and principles.

Soulwork:

AA 12 x 12 Step Four page 42 from: ‘Creation gave us instincts for a purpose…’ until ‘…When that happens, our great natural instincts, have turned into physical and mental liabilities.’

look up:
tyrannize
instincts
liability
misdirected

2nd para page 42: underline the penultimate sentence:
Nearly every serious emotional problem can be seen as a case of misdirected instinct.

If you have difficulty understanding this, Stephanie suggests reading and re-reading the first two paragraphs on page 42. And say the Third Step and Set Aside Prayers.

Ends

Recording for March 5, 2015

(week 166) 12 step study Big Book workshop 5 March 2015

Recording of this workshop: 641 715 3900 pin no. 95666#

Stephanie has two groups both on the same number: 712 432 8816 pin no. 32450#
They also have the same callback number 641 715-3900 – but different pin numbers:
(1) Tuesday 8am EST Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers pin no. 298913#
(2) Thursday 8am EST 12 Step Study (All Addictions) Big Book Workshop pin no. 95666#

Open Study Buddy Group Sundays EST 11-12am 712 432 0800 pin no. 587213#

Please send donations to support the website to:
Stephanie Whiting
P O Box 531
North Pembroke MA 02358

Resentment is a lie we tell ourselves based on fear.

Write in your Big Book (page 67-8):
Victims do not get sober. Victims give themselves (ourselves) an excuse to detach from life, isolate and destroy themselves.

I can be right or I can happy, serene and joy-filled.

If I am relying on myself, I should be afraid.

The Second Step Proposition.

Step 2: Came to believe in a Power greater than ourselves would restore us to sanity.

Write your answer to the question:

1. What relationship or area of my life is not where I want it to be? (e.g. you have a teenager you are butting heads with,or a boss at work that somehow just rubs you the wrong way.) Start with just one. (This is an exercise you can do forever and ever).

2. Look at this and inventory how you were trying to be your own Higher Power, creating insanity and not letting go and letting God. This was probably out of fear.

4. Get honest with yourself. What action plan you can do to turn it over?

It is a pretty straightforward exercise. That is what a spot check inventory is – you can just do this Step 2 Proposition. What is not going well in my life right now? How come I feel insane? Feelings are good and are not facts and you need to not discount them. They are a gift from your Higher Power. And when you are feeling insane God is giving you a message. When feeling confused, angry, insane, sorry for yourself and don’t know what to do, stop and do this Second Step Proposition. It is basically a tenth step: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. If you do it during the day you can catch it and not walk into making a mess. So when you do your nightly review you will not have an awful lot to say because you already caught it.

Ends

Recording for February 26, 2015

(week 165) 26 February 2015 12 step study Big Book All addictions workshop

Step Four
* It is helpful to have a structured daily time to do the writing to combat our disease which does not want us well.

* Keep phoning those on the committed members list – it will help both you and the person you call who also needs the contact.

Mark Houston and Joe Hawk ran Big Book workshops which have been recorded (some are on You Tube). Joe’s book: The Awakening gives instructions on the Big Book process. What they both have to say will broaden and deepen your experience of doing the Big Book.

Look up: corroding
The evil and corroding thread of fear. Corroding means it will disintegrate. When live in fear in a relationship the relationship will eventually end.

Q.1. Are you writing and not doing your Quiet Time?

If it comes to Quiet Time or writing your Big Book step study sponsor says Quiet Time is more important than writing. If you are skipping the Quiet Time to do the writing you are putting cart before the horse. It is the Quiet Time that helps you be honest with yourself and God to do the writing.

Why are we doing this process? The answer is right in the Third Step prayer: relieve me from the bondage to self. When we are in bondage to self we don’t have the ability to say no to destructive habits.

God will find the right receiver for your fifth step. Once you walk out of there it will be as if you have left behind a bag of rocks and you have a spring to your step. Stephanie encourages us to always have that vision of all the stuff you are writing especially the writing on the back (that is the bag of rocks).

The bottom part is the solution and when you know what it is about yourself that creates all these resentments then you have an action plan right there. Bring it to God and Quiet Time and every night time you check up on yourself: How did I do on my action plan?. Did I bring all I learnt from turnarounds? Am I changing? We need to be checking up on ourselves. Do you give it away?
Be excited about the Big Book and go to your step one fellowship and tell them how through this Big Book process you are finding things out about yourself as to why you ate and drank. Offer to read the Big Book with anyone who is interested. Get them a Big Book if they don’t have one. You will get so much out of it. Make no comment, don’t give advice, just ‘thank you for sharing.’

You can live in steps 10, 11 and 12 even before we get there. Step 12 is helping anybody which you will be doing just by reading the Big Book with them. 11 is having Quiet Time. Ten is checking up on yourself. With an action plan you can throw out the garbage you are learning about.

Institutions
An institution is more than one person who comes together with others and they have an agenda and some sort of statement of purpose. e.g. group practice of doctors, the IRS, the US government, your football team, school, college, church, etc.

Do institutions the same way as for people. Write at the top of the page:
This is a fact finding and face facing proposition. This removes any moral judgement.
Write the cause in 6-9 words, then on the back the feelings and the story for the last time.

List all the ways this resentment affects you (just as you did for people).

Unlike with people a resentment against an institution is not to be loved, liked and respected but rather did they serve you. So your motivation will also be a little bit different than with people. It is important to see how you reacted.

Self-seeking behavior. You may have been a little bit more manipulative. It was more public than how you behaved with a person. Did I have an edge in my voice, condescending attitude standing with hands on my hips: How could you treat me the great I am like that?

Institutions are not hard but they will tell you the truth about yourself. Got to look at it squarely and bring it to God and apologize to God and to yourself and eventually whomever you need to make amends to.

Need to see when the evil corroding thread of fear started creeping in and how you could have been directly honest with the person. Write out as much as you need to the back even if you only get to do one a week. Really write it out. And see where the hook was. ‘Oh it was the first time we got together and they said xyz. And I didn’t check that out. ‘Really look at what you need to say to get clarity so you don’t live in fear that they don’t like you. The top part is really poison and has to come out before we can really heal. Before we can go to our part as to how we caused the poison.

The angry person’s prayer (page 66-67)
This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick, Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick fried. When a person offended we said to ourselves: ‘This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.’

Stephanie asks us to go one step further and talk to them about what has upset you. They may get more angry and tell you take a leap off a short pier. Check it out for your own sake.

Ends

Recording for February 19, 2015

(week 164 19 Feb 2015) 12- step study Big Book all addictions workshop

We are an all addictions BB step-study workshop; all addictions are welcome here.
Stephanie is only our sponsor for the Big Book. We need to get our own addiction sponsors, fellowship mentors and accountability partners. Our recovery will be as strong as our accountability partners are because, knowing us well, they will know when we are off our beat.

We’ve done a minimum of five resentments on people. Maybe some of us don’t even have five others may have many more. It’s all a matter of what our Higher Powers have led us to.

In your 3-ring binder you should have the following divider sheets:
4th Step
4th step resentments of people – with the list there of names of people you have written on
4th step resentments of institutions – with the list of institutions you will write on.
Just make sure you keep everything neat and orderly by paginating everything with the same individual name or institutional name (e.g. Mr. Brown p.1, Mr. Brown p. 2, Mr. Brown p.3 and/or
Medicare p.1, Medicare p.2, Medicare p.3). And somewhere in your binder, scotch a card with your name, address and phone number stating that ‘in case of loss, please return to said address’. Stephanie did once have a sponsee who lost her Fourth-step writing just before she was about to do her Fifth step and had to rewrite everything!
We’ve done a minimum of five resentments on people. Now time to go to institutions (as it tells us to do in the Big Book).

What is an institution? It is more than one person. Anything that is a group of people.
When Stephanie goes to the dentist she has a dentist but that dentist has three other dentists working there. They are a group. That is an institution.

A police or fire department are both institutions, as is the church. Other examples of institutions are: a school system, AA and our step one fellowship.

If you had an individual resentment against your mother, brother, father, sister but also had a resentment against the family (inc. the grandparents cousins etc – they all ganged up on you). would say :The Whiting family that is an institution. So you may have individual resentments against a dentist but also have a resentment against the institution of that group of dentists.
If you have ever been to a clinic, that is an institution or a group of doctors, psychologists, or a hospital. Social Security benefits is an institution as is Medicare, the State of Massachusetts, the government of the US, Congress, etc.

In the three-ring folder have a sheet that says Fourth Step.
On another sheet that says: Fourth Step resentments – People
(In this section file all the sheets marked on the top left-hand corner with the name of the person e.g. mother page 1 and the page number relating to that person).
The reason that it is recommended to write on resentments for a minimum of five different people is to enable you to see your patterns of behavior. If you do more, you will see the pattern even more so.

Then write on plain paper: Fourth Step resentments – Institutions.
Just list the institutions that you are going to write on. Turn the paper over and on the left hand corner e.g. South Shore Hospital page 1. I am resentment at South Shore Hospital
The cause: I treated my mother with disrespect.
Affects my self-esteem: Now that you understand what it means to put down the reasons and how one resentment affects every area of your life, you do not have to write out how it affects your self-esteem unless you want to.
Stephanie today would not write a turnaround without doing this writing but when she did her fourth step her sponsor did not have her write that. She is not asking us to do it unless we found very helpful..
Stephanie believes it gives a much deeper understanding if you fill out all the details of how it affects you. And how you saw yourself through the eyes of other people. And then do the turnarounds.

Keep writing this each time:
Turnarounds: the only way I am going to see the truth about myself.

Every time you do a turnaround it is the solution. The top writing part is the problem: you have a resentment. You get to see how this one resentment is really creating a big problem in your life. Keep the cause to 6-9 words. Turn the page over and write your feelings, the situation, “he did, she said etc. “ It is important that you write all this out so you can see the truth and are not denying your feelings. Nobody denying that they stepped on your toes and you have to see how you are retaliating out of resentment and anger. Doing the turnaround will show you if you are reacting in a negative way or responding in a recovery way.

Action Plan
An action plan after the Turnaround is really important so you don’t stay in the muck and the mire.

Creating an action plan enables you to recover from that resentment. Inch by inch it is a cinch. The action plan may be nothing more than you can pray for the person, write a letter and give it to God and your sponsor or your buddy.

Selfish how were you selfish? What did you want from this institution?

Always start by writing: ‘I wanted…

Then put the motive by answering the question: Why did I want this? That will give you more information about yourself and what motivates your whole life. The motive for every resentment Stephanie had were to be loved, liked and respected. Why? Because she did not love, respect and like herself.

Self-seeking: What behaviors did I do to get this institution to do what I wanted?

Dishonesty:
a) There may be more direct lies with an institution.
b) Lie of omission. What didn’t you tell this institution you needed to bring honesty and maybe even resolution? A lot of Stephanie’s resentments were because she never told people what she expected. Wanted them to read her mind. “Now I am upfront I tell people what I expect, when they can expect from me.”.

c) Lie you tell yourself. This is what motivates everything in your life. And it is a lot like the motivator in selfishness. The lie Stephanie told herself is that in and off herself she did not have any value. Needed to have her sense of self validated by others, who I was married to, her academic achievements, amount of money ini the bank. etc.

Never do any work without the third step prayer and the set aside prayer.
If you don’t bring your Higher Power into this you will be going round in circles and lying to yourself as you were before you did this work. God will tell you the truth and the truth will set you free.

Put somewhere on the outside of the folder: your name and address, phone number and a note: if this is lost, please return.

FEAR
Fear is the evil and corroding thread in every negative thought.
Every negative thought comes from fear and gets you to step on the toes of somebody and they retaliate and they get a resentment.

Fear – a hundred forms of fear. Write them all down. Write as much as you need in the Turnaround as it is all about the solution not the problem. Why it is suggested to keep the top very minimal. Write as much as you want, making sure in upper left-hand corner you write the name or institution page number.

Pride is how other people see me.

When we get sick and tired of not measuring up (to our own ideas) we get angry.. Then project that onto others. When we say “My teacher says I don’t measure up.” “They are saying…,” we are projecting onto them our own fear of not measuring up. By making them the bogeyman we act antagonistically and they react. It is a vicious cycle. The only way out is through trusting and relying on God. God loves me. God doesn’t make junk. I do measure up in God’s eyes. If God can do that I can measure up in my own eyes. If my teacher doesn’t like me I can live and let live. Also not everyone measures up to my world. Do not need to have to have a resentment against everyone. We had an attitude and people reacted to it. It was not them, it was us.

Work at your pace.

My buddy is done and doesn’t want to write any more on people. I am not done on people, can we still work together? Absolutely. She can read institutions and you people. All you say at the end “thank you for sharing” or “I witness your work.” Going to learn from your buddy buddy/group.

We are going to be writing on people, institutions, principles, fears, sex for the rest of our lives. So if we are in a different place from our buddies, all the better, with every sharing you are getting insights into them and into yourself because we are basically all the same. There may be different situations but I think you have figured it out after more than three years of this workshop that we are not that much different.

Action plan: Face Everything with God And Recover (acronym for FEAR).
You see your pattern. Your action plan is to go to Quiet Time and have God show you how to proceed. . No. 1: stop lying to yourself. Come out of the fear. Face it and get honest about it. Bring it to your Higher Power and then march through so you don’t get any more resentments in the present.If you can face your fear of: I don’t measure up, I am not good enough and stop projecting that onto your present life, that is an action plan that will bring you healthy relationships today, tomorrow and the future and stand you in good stead for making amends for past ones. You projected your fears onto them and they reacted to your attitude so you really did step on their toes. You just saw that they were being mean to you while not seeing how you set the ball rolling with your internal argument and angry attitude that you are not measuring up. That is very deep and your answer to an action plan: Face Everything And Recover with God. And we have to face that it was our attitude, through fear of not measuring up, that set the ball rolling.

So for the people you have hurt or harmed, the action plan is to change your attitude through going to Quiet Time. And knowing how much God cares about you so living in the present withoutthat angry attitude of I am not measuring up. Your action plan is to live in faith and not fear. And build your recovery up in God and yourself so when you go back to those people they will really see a difference, that you no longer have that attitude. We all know angry people. When you have a fear of not measuring up you are an angry person. We don’t think it relates to us. Stephanie hears all the time: ‘Go easy on me. I can’t use that language of character defects because I beat myself up all the time.’ They do indeed, but they have a very angry attitude which they project onto others. They cannot face that all their lives they have had an attitude that others are beating up on them and this attitude have set the resentment ball rolling.

When the Big Book says we have set the ball rolling and fear is the evil and corroding thread, we need to put these two together. Stephanie says: ‘I was angry and I picked up food and I ate at people at my mother and my father. I had an attitude towards them that they didn’t love me. They didn’t have a chance to love me, I was one big porcupine. I was pretty difficult to love. If you can look at that. It is hard stuff to look at. A lot of people may say they are not ready to look at it.

‘Today I blame nobody for nothing. I own my own feelings. When I feel like someone is saying something mean I step back. And I don’t immediately blame them. I put a bandage around them like Al-Anon taught me and look at my own reaction. It is all about me. If I am feeling that they are being mean and what they are saying is not nice, I have got to go inside of myself to process. What am I afraid of? If I mean what I say and say what I mean I can have a boundary with that person. When I am afraid I cannot put up a boundary. When someone goes off on me I step back and ask God for help to evaluate what’s going on with me and look at myself. I am feeling afraid. Then instead of reacting I can check out the situation. ‘Oh gee, it seems to me you are upset. Have I said anything that would make you upset?’ . Maybe I am carrying an attitude and I walked into the place with a chip on my shoulder that set them off. I know before I did this work had a chip on my shoulder and set people off.’

Listen again how we had an attitude because we were so angry, upset and afraid that we did not measure up and projected this onto others and brought a negative attitude to all our relationships and they retaliated. But we were the ones who brought the negative attitude in the beginning with the evil and corroding thread of fear

FEAR: Face Everything And Recover with God.
See your attitude and what type of attitude you are bringing to these relationships. That is a turnaround. Where is fear? Everywhere. Fear fits into every thought that isn’t positive. Fear is in your attitude, in every resentment, every negative word out of your mouth.

Ask God: What do you want me to know? Today you face everything with God. Your action plan will be facing everything reasonably with recovery. You won’t be lying to yourself or lying by omission, but instead will be able to ask: You seem really angry, what’s going on? And giving the person a chance to respond. ‘Well you should have seen yourself walking into this office. You looked like a bull in a china closet’. ‘Thank you for telling me. I am not mad at all’. Not having a lie of omission. Telling people what’s going on: ‘I am really confused with what you are saying and with your attitude,’ and giving them the space and permission to say :’Well I don’t know what is going on with you.’ We don’t have to react, as unlike them we have the Big Book. We can step back. ‘God this is an angry person. Help me from being angry.’ And we can do the angry person’s prayer and respond by not having a lie of omission. Staying in the here and now so that when we go back and made our amends and hopefully build a bridge they will see a totally different person.

Stephanie says: “I never asked my mother: do I measure up?” I just assumed my parents did not love me. I lived in this fear my whole life. I was frankly pissed off. I bought that fear-laden attitude of big ego, but really thinking I am no good, into all my relationships and they could see this attitude, the chip on my shoulder.

Everybody reacted to my fear-based attitude to myself and my low self-esteem.”

Fear is the evil and corroding thread that plays out in lies in omission.
We don’t say what we need to say to bring honesty to the relationship. Need to say: What did you mean by that? We think, we feel, we have not checked it out. Reinforcing that evil corroding thread of fear by not checking it out keeps us perpetuating the lies we tell ourselves. And this is how we create our own scenarios.

If you don’t really trust someone’s albeit positive answer you need to do some work with the person for example asking: Was I a problem to you? Is there any reason that I am feeling that you didn’t really love me as much as you loved my sister? You may still have lies of omission. Checking it out is your action plan.

Then need to step back and ask: Where am I being selfish? What did I want from this person/institution? Did I want confirmation that I am special and s/he cares about me? Is there a lie of omission? Did I check it out with the person whom I feel is not respecting me?

Today, I have a good working relationship with my son’s Father but I do have to make an amend for blaming him for everything gone wrong in the relationship and, to this end, have written him a letter which I stayed up most of the night to do, being filled with a sense of deep sorrow. And, I did run this letter by two of my mentors before I will send it off.

*Remember: The Truth will set you free but first you will have plenty of denial!
*By having lies of omission, we aren’t checking things out, we aren’t reality checking.
*Ask yourself in the Turnaround: Where am I being selfish?
*Live in faith and not fear, that God will take care of your needs.
*And whenever you don’t know what to do, just bring it to your Higher Power and ask your HP what to do. Your HP will show you. Then, run it by your mentors, accountability partners, people that are evenly yoked with you, evenly-yoked meaning on the same level of commitment to the process as you are (at any given moment in the continuum your journey).

If you have any questions about institutions and resentments on them, you can email Stephanie at:
stephaniew324@gmail.com OR call/text her cell: 617/ 774-7916.

What we went over today is really the whole key to why we have resentments and why we picked up our drug(s)-of-choice. There is no coincidence that BB has us do the resentment first and then look at the fears because we have to be convinced that we are the cause of all our broken relationships to be willing to look at the (cause of us causing all our broken relationships as being our) fear – the fear of not being good enough, not measuring up. Whatever we wrote until now in our Soul Work for Steps One, Two, and Three is just now gelling in our consciousness- through the format of Step Four writing.

Inch by inch a cinch.

Recommendation: listen a couple of times to this week’s workshop. It is very deep about fear. Then bring it to your Higher Power and see if any of your truth is in it.

Ends

Recording for February 12, 2015

week 163) 12 February 2015 12 Step Study Big Book All Addictions workshop

Stephanie has two groups on this number: 712 432 8816 pin no. 32450#
They have the same callback number: 641 715-3900 with different pin numbers:
(1) Tuesday 8am EST Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers pin no. 298913#
(2) Thursday 8am EST 12 Step Study All Addictions Big Book Workshop pin no. 95666#
There is an open buddy group on Sundays 11-12noon EST 712 432 0800 pin no. 587213#
(Thursday 9.30am EST group has disbanded.)

Please send donations to support the website to:
Stephanie Whiting
P O Box 531
North Pembroke MA 02358

To be added to the phone list and receive the soul work and notes from each workshop contact: sue7263@aol.com

Fourth step format
This is on the website or ask Sue for it. Stephanie asks us to write out the format for the first five people we are doing resentments on so we really get to know it. With steps 10, 11 and 12 we are all going to be living in this format.

This is a God-guided process.
Stephanie is not our God and does not have our answers. We have our own Higher Power who will give us the answers. She says: “I will keep repeating this as people sometimes get the wrong impression.”

Keep the 12th step uppermost in our minds. Stephanie prays that our motive for showing up each week is to have a spiritual experience. The 12th step is not ‘having had a Stephanie experience’, it means in doing this work you meet your Higher Power on an intimate basis.

The Third step prayer is inviting God in. However, remember to ask for humility by saying the Set Aside Prayer. You don’t want to risk being unable to see clearly because you are full of pride.

AA Big Book page 66, first paragraph.
It is plain that a life that includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.
To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while. But with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.”
Why are we doing this work? Because our life has been full of futility which means you work hard but you get nothing but unhappiness. We may be sober a long time but we really understand that emotionally and spiritually our life is going nowhere; and deep down we know we are not where we are supposed to be. Life is just not what we know our Higher Power wants for our life.

It is plain that a life that includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.
The Big Book is telling you something. You need to look what you are doing about your resentments. Stephanie says: “I have been doing this for 15 years and less than four months ago I went to a spiritual workshop and figured out I had a deep deep underlying resentment towards my son. How many times have I talked about him leaving and still crying about it? How many resentments papers did I write, talk about it? My son is thirty years old tomorrow. He left when he was 12 1/2. He came back when he was 21. Four months ago God gave me the blessing of realizing I still had a deep resentment towards my son. And I am so grateful. I really worked through it and went into deep deep prayer and meditation. I talked to the appropriate spiritual people and I did the appropriate spiritual work. Its gone. We really had a beautiful mother-son relationship and then he left. Ever since then our relationship has never really been the same.

I know now that my heart had a deep resentment which which has dogged me all my life: ‘how could he?’. That took a lot of spiritual work in the last four months. That last workshop truly changed my life. Everything God brings me today is life changing. I am so grateful. I take what God brings me very seriously. I don’t fluff it off. I was told by people: You need to go to this workshop it will change your life. You know what? That was God talking to me through people. So when people say things to you listen and bring it to Quiet Time. Ask: God did you just send a messenger that is trying to tell me something? The chances are the answer is yes. I cannot tell you how relieved I am. I didn’t know my heart had chains on it. Because the quality of my life is pretty good. I love my life. But knew I had something about my only son and I still really could not think about what happened without crying. Re-resentment means re-feel. And the resentment has been taken away.

Fifteen years of doing this work. Do you think you are done because you have written a couple of resentments? No. I am grateful from my own personal experience I never did think I was done. However I can live in complacency and denial. I don’t want to do that. The work I did in that workshop is very very important. If you are interested in knowing about the workshop e-mail me and I will tell you about it. It is not 12 steps or Big Book.

To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worth while.

look up: squander. That is an awful action . We are not doing God’s will. We are squandering the time our Higher Power is giving us to be a recovered person walking in the world with our emotions given over to our higher power. And so instead of getting all emotional about things we can respond in a recovered way by asking God: What is appropriate here?

When we have deep resentments we cannot align ourselves in a healthy emotional way with our Higher Power. We squander hours being hysterical, depressed, overly happy or overly giddy. We move from allowing God’s will to control us to letting our self-will and emotions control us.

That means we experience God in our day-to-day emotional life. Of course you experience God when you go to Quiet Time but what about when you are washing dishes, making the bed, driving to work, having a one on one conversation? We need to be in that spiritual place where we are doing God’s will in all of those day-to-day little experiences that can create a wonderful healthy recovered life. That is the spiritual experience that living in steps 10 11 and 12 in awareness brings.

The alternative is that your experiences create a life of brutal futility and a deep unhappiness.

Awareness is great but awareness without the willingness to work on it, is self-abuse. So today pray for the willingness to be willing. When we are willing, the awareness comes.
I was not ready for that workshop but God knew he had some work for me. I have been doing my work for the last 15 years. Steps 10- 11 and 12. working one on one with mentors. When I was ready I got the awareness. Why? Because I have lived in willingness to be wiling and let God talk to me and change me. That is a spiritual experience.

…this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal.

Yes because firstly it can lead us back to our drug and secondly because we can be a ‘dry drunk’ and miserable having nothing except our own unhappiness and futility. When you have deep resentment you say: I forgive them but will never forget them. Who hurts when you say that? It shows your inner interior of futility and unhappiness.
[More sober alcoholics commit suicide than active ones, because they have had recovery and put down the addiction but are not willing to put down the deep resentments.]

Why are we doing this work?
Because our life has been full of futility which means you work hard but you get nothing but unhappiness. We may be sober a long time but we really understand that emotionally and spiritually our life is going nowhere; and deep down we know we are not where we are supposed to be. Life is just not what we know our Higher Power wants for our life.

We do this work because not do so is fatal, not necessarily that we will go back to the drink or food. For Stephanie going back to the food at twenty-three years in the program was a blessing. “It got my attention. …I slipped from a) and b) on page 60 to c). Where I needed to be from day one in recovery. Seeking God like God is my only answer. It took me 23 years of trying to rely on human power. Thinking: I know I am powerless, I have a food plan, I have a group. They didn’t have the power. Even though I didn’t have my white light experience for three years, I had a peace around my food I never had before. God was protecting me. I was seeking him with everything I had. I had mega willingness to have a spiritual experience with God. And it really changed my life.”

…this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit.
Q1. Take each half of the sentence and write on it and then on the whole sentence.

This will keep you motivated to keep writing your resentments. Do you want to be cut off from the sunlight of the Spirit? We need all the grace we can get. So it may mean going to God and praying about a deep resentment every day until it lifts. Need to question yourself. We have talked about holding my resentment close like a teddy bear. I am never letting anybody close again. I want to stay a victim because you did x y x when I was innocent and I am keeping the victimhood alive. Today you are now volunteering to be a victim.That’s what deep resentment is all about. Its gone and done and I am holding it close and defending my right to volunteer to be a victim. I don’t want to do it.

Harboring means you s.o.b. I am never forgiving you. I know, I did it with my only child. He meant more to me than anything yet my deep resentment came to light. That is insanity to hold a resentment when you know you can let it go. Definition of insanity: doing the same thing time and time again expecting a different result. Some people just stay dry drunks, and they are pretty miserable to be with. You may have met them or may even be one yourself.

Are you having trouble with personal relationships, with self-pity, with trouble in any area of your life? Look at the insanity of holding onto a deep resentment.

When I am really willing to be humble and look at myself, God shows up.

Action Plans
When we live in deep resentment, we don’t try to get out of it and we keep justifying it saying: They did this and that. Who are we to judge another’s character defects? Even before we get into looking at our character defects we can make personal action plans so we don’t have to live in all this emotional deep resentment – the crap we keep ourselves stuck in.
Q2. What could be your action plan for today?

Boundaries
And we maintain healthy caring boundaries. Do not need to even be loving boundaries. Al-Anon says above all else be courteous and kind. If you cannot help a person then don’t hurt them. Our action plan is to do the work to get over these resentments and then create healthy boundaries around these people being courteousness and kind. We do not isolate nor do we do the opposite and be inappropriately welcoming.

Writing Step Four
Let me repeat you are not doing this. You are taking your will and asking God to give the willingness. God is doing the writing through you. If you do the Third Step prayer and Step Aside prayer before you start, you will never write anything wrong or one word that is not supposed to be there.

End